The Ultimate Collection of Advice for Fathers Part 1

Introducing Dadvice, a collection of 90 tips and tricks, do’s and don’ts, try-this’s and skip-that’s, for every stage of fatherhood. It’s the most complete, most comprehensive list available anywhere.

1. You will be the second person to know that you’re having a baby. If she has a BFF, possibly the third. If you’re not really a couple, possibly the fourth.

2. A dad is born nine months before a baby is born. The job starts when the pregnancy test displays a plus sign.

3. Cream cheese and cottage cheese are okay for pregnant women. Brie and feta are not.

4. A guy smarter than you just told your pregnant wife she looks beautiful. For the second time. Don’t get complacent.

5. Ask your doctor about circumcision before making a decision.

6. Learn how to make a good mocktail.

7. Handle the litter box. Kitty litter is toxic to pregnant women.

8. Keep the gas tank at least half full during the last week of pregnancy.

9. Find a good take-out restaurant near the hospital.

10. Be grateful that your baby is the 19 billionth child to be born in human history. Because I assure you, number 3,605,000 didn’t go as smoothly.

11. Take more days that you’re given for paternity leave. Your company won’t fight it. It’s bad PR for them.

12. Buy a newspaper the day he’s born.

13. Cutting the umbilical cord: Meh.

14. Wash your hands.

15. The “dad bed” in the hospital room is more comfortable than you’d think.

16. Take every blanket, pacifier and formula packet they give you at the hospital. You paid for it.

17. Your baby’s first poop will resemble crude oil. Don’t freak out.

18. Imagine being hired as a pilot with no training. “Here’s the cockpit. Good luck getting to Houston.” That’s what it’s like coming home with a newborn. And it’s like that for everyone.

19. The OB-GYN and pediatrician know as much about raising a great kid as you do. Don’t doubt yourself.

20. Stir, don’t shake, the bottle when mixing formula.

21. For poop stains, sunlight acts like Shout spray.

22. Newborns don’t blink. Don’t freak out.

23. Her family will say she looks like one of their relatives. Your family will say she looks like one of your relatives. Get used to it.

24. Don’t attempt sex until four to six weeks after delivery day.

25. Meat tenderizer works on breast milk stains.

26. When you’re sponge-bathing the baby, don’t forget the folds.

27. A diaper bag is a bag with diapers in it. You don’t need to buy something new.

28. If you own a backpack, you own a diaper bag.

29. Cargo shorts are a diaper bag you can wear.

30. Go big on Mother’s Day. Every year.

31. When the sex starts up again, use lube.

32. Aromatic candles and chewing gum will keep you awake at work.

33. Have your partner leave you a voicemail of the baby screaming. Save it. Play it for friends or co-workers when in need of a good excuse.

34. Your kid’s hiccups bother you more than it does them.

35. If your baby is formula-fed, that means you take a night shift too.